Boundaries
Posted by Lori Brown on Friday, February 18, 2011
Putting up walls and avoiding relationships with people is unhealthy. Setting boundaries and standards for how you are willing to be treated, on the other hand, are things we all need to learn. Merriam-Webster Dictionary Online defines boundaries as something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.
We, as individuals, have a limit to who and what we can be to other people. At first thought, this may sound like a strange topic to discuss in the realm of happiness. However, I have found it to be a huge topic of discussion lately because it is affecting the growth of happiness in my home.
I struggle with boundaries. I am not talking about personal space or trespassing on someone's property. I am talking about drawing the proverbial line in the sand and not letting people cross; and if they do holding them responsible and accountable. Having boundaries keeps us safe, sane and protects us from those that would, otherwise, take advantage of us.
I have found that my boundary, or line, tends to be very elastic. I allow people to cross over for various reasons, but here are my top 5:
*The person is family
*They NEED me
*I don't want to hurt their feelings
*I am afraid to say "no"
*It's temporary.
Let me be clear about a few things: these are not valid excuses, rarely is it temporary and we are the only one to blame. When we allow someone to cross our boundary we are telling the world that it isn't really a boundary but more like a suggestion or an option. If we don't set our boundaries with conviction, how can we expect others to take them seriously?
We are essentially inviting them to cause stress, suffering and exhaustion in our lives. We know immediately when we have allowed someone to violate our boundaries- we feel it in our gut! This is when I try to brush it under the rug and pretend it is okay, because of my aforementioned excuses. If we continue saying "yes", when we mean "no", we become resentful, our family suffers and we feel trapped. This is not a place in which to grow happiness or anything else for that matter.
It's never too late to set a boundary. It is often difficult to create a new dynamic with friends or family members because they have ingrained expectations from past experience. As you begin to set boundaries, say, "NO", or disagree with a situation they are going to resist the change. They may become angry because you are changing the rules in the middle of the game. Be strong, you can do this.
Before you begin another relationship ask yourself these questions:
*Who am I?
*What are my values?
*What are my interests?
*What do I want out of a relationship?
If this new relationship is incongruent or makes you feel like you are working against the answers above, maybe it's time to take a stand for yourself instead of sitting down in order to make someone else more comfortable. Remember to love, honor and respect yourself. Be who you are and not who someone else wants or needs you to be. You are worth it!
We, as individuals, have a limit to who and what we can be to other people. At first thought, this may sound like a strange topic to discuss in the realm of happiness. However, I have found it to be a huge topic of discussion lately because it is affecting the growth of happiness in my home.
I struggle with boundaries. I am not talking about personal space or trespassing on someone's property. I am talking about drawing the proverbial line in the sand and not letting people cross; and if they do holding them responsible and accountable. Having boundaries keeps us safe, sane and protects us from those that would, otherwise, take advantage of us.
I have found that my boundary, or line, tends to be very elastic. I allow people to cross over for various reasons, but here are my top 5:
*The person is family
*They NEED me
*I don't want to hurt their feelings
*I am afraid to say "no"
*It's temporary.
Let me be clear about a few things: these are not valid excuses, rarely is it temporary and we are the only one to blame. When we allow someone to cross our boundary we are telling the world that it isn't really a boundary but more like a suggestion or an option. If we don't set our boundaries with conviction, how can we expect others to take them seriously?
We are essentially inviting them to cause stress, suffering and exhaustion in our lives. We know immediately when we have allowed someone to violate our boundaries- we feel it in our gut! This is when I try to brush it under the rug and pretend it is okay, because of my aforementioned excuses. If we continue saying "yes", when we mean "no", we become resentful, our family suffers and we feel trapped. This is not a place in which to grow happiness or anything else for that matter.
It's never too late to set a boundary. It is often difficult to create a new dynamic with friends or family members because they have ingrained expectations from past experience. As you begin to set boundaries, say, "NO", or disagree with a situation they are going to resist the change. They may become angry because you are changing the rules in the middle of the game. Be strong, you can do this.
Before you begin another relationship ask yourself these questions:
*Who am I?
*What are my values?
*What are my interests?
*What do I want out of a relationship?
If this new relationship is incongruent or makes you feel like you are working against the answers above, maybe it's time to take a stand for yourself instead of sitting down in order to make someone else more comfortable. Remember to love, honor and respect yourself. Be who you are and not who someone else wants or needs you to be. You are worth it!